For the Love of Change

2017 was a year for the books. And I don't mean that in a good way. As I posted with this picture above, seeing these images made me feel a punch to the gut, so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. I am typically pretty positive, and looking for the good in each day/month/year...but this year the hard and painful was just so LOUD. There were so so so many joys and they are not erased at all, but 2017 was hard, for me, for my family, and I know for so many of you. To capture it quickly, to in essence "just rip the bandaid off", it felt like the "bad guys" kept winning, it felt like the "good guys" kept getting knocked down again every time they bravely stood up, and it felt like every time I looked forward to something joyful, that joy was stolen. I've never done a word for a year before, but last year it was supposed to be "joy", but it felt a lot more like "pain". And that pain has left me mad, and a person I do not enjoy being. So it's time to do something different in this year.

First off, can we just all claim all of January as the month to regroup, reorganize, re-find your brain, and reclaim normal life? It's always been a weird month for me, but I didn't want 2018 to be a year of "anger", so I started this year with a big fight against it becoming that, and am looking to handle things differently this year than I did last.

So as my second year to ever have a "word", I am claiming this year's word "love". More love for my family, my friends, my neighbors, and most of all, more love for myself. My whole life, this has been a "too selfish" notion for me, but this year I'm changing that belief for myself. Where 2017 created a tired, sad, overwhelmed, angry me, I want 2018 to create a loving and joyful me again. I want more of the things I love in my life, and less of the things I don't love. More writing, reading, walks, quality time with my children, wholesome and nourishing food, learning new skills, savoring each day, and living intentionally. Less busy-ness, comparing myself to others, mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed, allowing joy to be stolen by a person or circumstance, and less numbing my emotions with food. This means I'll probably have to say no more than I have in the past, which I am not usually comfortable doing, but I am going to have to do it, especially if doing that thing means a "no" to me or my family. Only "hell yes" for 2018.

I want to be healthier, both physically and mentally, so each month this year (and for everyday for that month), I am going to try to makes changes in my life by creating a new habit that allows more time for things I love, and/or stop an old habit that makes me love myself or an aspect of my life less. In January (and the first week here of February), we chose to complete (almost...Day 24!) our first Whole30. Food has been a source of comfort for me, and a way to celebrate, and I have relied too heavily on trying to fill my emotional needs through eating. It has been interesting, challenging, and pretty tough at times, but I am so glad we did it. I hope to share more with you in the next week or so about this first month of new habits, and what parts I hope to continue.

For February, I'm installing the app "Moment". It helps track phone usage, even specifics as to which apps you use most, and offers some "classes" to help break bad habits. This year, I've also used my phone as a way to distract myself from hard emotions. And then when I scroll through my newsfeeds, I end up feeling even worse, both physically and mentally. I'm looking forward to learning through this process as well, and sharing with you about my experience. ***EDIT: I did install the app, but as I phase into regular life from a challenging month with Whole30, I am going to focus on spending less time on my phone throughout the day, and specifically during #kileysselfcare. I often put caring for me and taking a break last, and that makes for one crazy Momma all too often. So my focus for February is self care which rarely (if ever) includes my phone. :) And I'm going to learn more about my phone use habits, and think of ways to change them little by little, and new habit by new habit.

I know there is beauty there and more that I have yet to see from that painful and hard 2017. I'm determined to make this year better and end with a better outlook, and now I'm already feeling more hopeful about 2018. Thank you for showing up to read what's been on my heart.