Ellie-Girl Goes to School

I've managed to procrastinate writing this until 11:30 pm the night before my first baby's very first day of school. I've had the luxury to feel unaffected by the first day of school for these last four years, but now that season of freedom is coming to an end. And though I've been avoiding my feelings on the subject for the past week, it is all I can do to keep the tears from rolling down my face tonight. It's the end of a beautifully sweet, simple, and sometimes tough era, that am swapping for a new chapter that feels like the beginning of the end. What if she cries at school? What if her teachers don't take the time to find out why and help her come up with a solution? What if she falls down on the playground or has an accident? What if there is an emergency...will she know what to do and will she be safe? Will she make new friends easily or will kids be mean to her? I sound fun to be around right now, huh? Pray for Chris.

It feels like the beginning of the end of the season I yearned to be in for most of my life, and it's the beginning of my beautifully sensitive girl going into a world that I cannot protect her from. She is so much like me, both in good and bad ways, and my sensitive heart can remember those first feelings of disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, and anxiousness...all feelings she has yet to really feel without my guidance and reassurance. It will be the first time that other people's "voices" will have an effect on her, instead of just ours. I wish I could keep her from all the bad things and mean people, and keep her as an innocent, bright-eyed beauty who sees the good in others and couldn't imagine hurting someone else on purpose. She doesn't have any big worries or fears, but is just happy with simple things and feels safe in her little universe. But soon she'll know much more about the crazy world we live in, and and though I know she'll be brave and kind and smart...I still wish I could protect her from all those things and continue to just let her be little. I am afraid to blink because I know the years are REALLY going to fly by now.

I do know this is the beginning of a really exciting time though too, as she makes her own friends, learns from her teachers, and creates a life outside of our family. She's going to love school and learning, and she will become increasingly more of herself, outside of who I am. She'll have her relationships, experiences, and memories, and she will make us so proud with the choices she makes.



Here's a little message to you, Ellie-girl:

Happy first day of Pre-K gorgeous girl! You are going to have so much fun today and I can't wait to hear all about it. You are going to love school, but I sure will miss you. I worry that I haven't cherished this time with you enough, or maybe I could have been more patient, or maybe I should've taken you to the library more or had a more concrete schedule, but also know that I did my very best. I hope it was enough and I hope that you have many good memories from our early adventures together. I am so grateful to be your Momma, and so grateful to have more time with you this year, as I plan to savor it and soak it up as much as I can. You are the sweetest, kindest, silliest, most beautiful girl I know. You are going to soar in school...you'll be a kind friend, a fantastic listener, a hard-worker, and a hilarious little lady. I am going to miss our slow mornings together each day, but I'll treasure our lunches and afternoons even more. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me. I hope the world sees you for the amazing and incredible and wonderful person you are, and when it doesn't, I hope your own voice is loud enough to remember you are. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Thanks for the adventure, sweet Eloise Marie...

now go have a new one.