May Mornings

It's May! Hooray! Did you know that I love alliteration and rhyming?!? But really...happy to see a new month and hopeful for a good one. April was a hard one for many of us, and we all need some hope on the horizon (aka summertime).

But I think I survived April BECAUSE of the hard work I put in January-March, and the things I learned about myself and the skills and understanding I gained helped me going each day. Progress still continues on finishing "Food Freedom Forever" and gaining my own "food freedom", and feel that is not quite finished, and really might never be. But I can fit into ALL my clothes I have now pre-baby, and I feel so much better. I can identify days when I have gone overboard, and then that being the reason I don't feel so great mentally and physically. It taught me I can do hard things, and that self-efficacy holds true still.

February helped so much as I focused on a new concept for me...guilt-free alone time each day as self-care. And though I don't always get some in the same way each day, I do something for myself, whether it be reading, watching a show with Chris after the kids are in bed, exercise, writing, crafting, napping, or just something other than sitting on my phone and scrolling through my social media numbly. It's given me more time to do the things I love, and sometimes that means letting the to-do list go.

March I spent time each day intentionally doing something with the kids. I feel like I enjoyed being their momma more than I have for a long time because I let go of my own too-lofty expectations of my day and compared myself less and just let myself sit with them or play with them. It has spilled over into my marriage too, and Chris's relationship with the kids. We spend more time outside, more time together on little local "adventures", and more time focusing on our family instead of zoning out on our phones. I'd like to get back to do more of intentional time again, but their sweet little faces are what helped me survive and reminded me of the simple joys of life when it was easy to feel tired/overwhelmed/frustrated/discouraged/sad.

All of these things "filled my tank" for a kinda crazy month of April, and while I feel I could have done better in many ways, I did learn a lot about our state, it's government, and ways to help a cause that's near and dear to my heart. When we know better, we do better, and I know I'll continue to be an advocate for education in whatever capacity and way that I can. April handed us some tough stuff with our families emotionally too, and while all those things aren't over OR sorted out OR we know what the last page of this chapter will look like, we are continuing to make it through each day and find the things we love about life despite the hard ones.

SOOOO...that brings me to where we are today! And what new habit I'd like to create for May. I've been wanting to do this one really since January but haven't quite wrapped my brain around it until now. As I am sure many of you do, I have this LOOOONG undone to-do list that floats around in my brain and kind of weighs on my shoulders. I have lots of good ideas (haha) but the follow through is not always there. With my Grandma Ginnie passing away this month, it left me with some regret in not saying and doing some things I had planned to do. Our relationship and story is long and complex, but I have not had contact with her in about a year, some due to convenience, some due to choice, and some due to self-preservation and boundaries. But Ellie and I had started a little book for her, and never finished it, and I never got to tell her about our life in 2017, and all it's ups and downs. I hadn't been back to Kearney, so I didn't get a chance to see her, but I knew that this is something I don't love about myself/my life, and that well-intentioned to-do is a burden when I never actually do those things. If you know me, you know I like to stay up late and sleep in, which really doesn't work out great if you're a parent, but I've had a pretty good setup for quite some time. BUT I feel like I could better expound on those morning minutes if I could make my mornings different.

As with other months/habits, I've been "testing the waters" to see how it makes me feel. Right now, I go lay back in bed after Ellie and Chris leave for school/work, and mindlessly look at Facebook/Instagram. Before I know it 30 minutes (or more...yikes!) have passed by and really I don't like how that feels to start the day behind.  My hope is that I can change my morning routine (for at least this month) to: get up/wake up around 7:00, help get Ellie ready for school, spend a few moments organizing my brain for the day, focus on one "chore" to accomplish before getting Walt up, make my bed, exercise before I pickup Ellie, and just start the day in a more peaceful way. Changing this morning routine will then help me get some of those long overdue items completed (I've got a list of 50 things right now already!!!) whether it be finishing a project, sending a note or thank you to someone I love, completing a book, or trying something I've always wanted to.

So here I am, another month of 2018 down and a new one started. It somewhat scares me to say this, as if I am going to somehow jinx myself, but I can't wait to see where I am at the end of 2018 with 12 months of learning, trying hard things, and helping myself be more of who I want to be...a person of much more love and light.