Ellie's Momma: Lessons Learned

My second Mother's Day has come and gone, and once again, I feel the need to write about what being Ellie's momma is all about. A year ago, motherhood wasn't looking so good on me, or so I thought, but this year I feel like we are happy and thriving. And I think that has to do more with my expectation level than anything. Well, here you go. Momma-hood is shaping up to be quite a beautiful thing.

When I first had the idea to write a monthly blog for Ellie, I had not yet experienced motherhood in all it's glory, and therefore had a disillusioned idea of who I would be as Eloise's momma and what exactly I would be doing all day long. I mean, "What DO stay at home mom's do all day? The same thing as all the rest of "us", except they don't have to work! That sounds so easy!" ...I thought to myself, then... "What else will I have to do when I'm home? My house will be orderly and organized and clean. I'll be up before baby wakes, cook myself a healthy and delicious breakfast, exercise, finish my chores, and then shower! And Ellie will take regular, long naps, where I'll have the afternoon to swing in my hammock and read a book and write blogs and do pinterest crafts, and it.will.be.SO.EASY!" Boy, did I have it coming!

I've survived my first year of motherhood, where my world was turned upside down with love, feelings of inadequacy, joy, stress, disappointment, fear, and many other emotions. It has been the most humbling experience of my life, but truly the most rewarding. Through my sarcasm above, I hope you know that I am still so very grateful to be able to be with Ellie everyday, but that my romantic notions of motherhood have had to crumble away to get to the real goodness of being a momma. I don't get ready everyday, or sometimes even shower, there is still plenty of dog hair on the floor, dinner is not homecooked very often, there are still weeds in my garden, clutter in the closets, and photo albums not put together. My days that were once filled with high school students, IEPs, duty, emails, and parent phone calls, are now filled with vacuuming, diapers, dishes, drool, and never going to the bathroom alone. But they are also filled with toothless grins, walks to the park, tiny toys, baby chuckles, sweet hugs, board books, and new discoveries for these little minds at every turn.  My days are mostly good, and I love staying home, just in different ways than I thought I would. Even though I thought I was pretty well-informed, I learned that I was not and instead had to learn things through experiencing them. I'm one of those, where I have to learn it the hard way. I should learn by now to listen, but I still haven't. Instead, I'd like to share what I've learned over this past year or so, about being a momma, and maybe some of you can relate too or possibly be wiser than I was and learn from another's humbling experiences... 

Keep expectations low. Very low. 

Here's what happens: You have no expectations of being able to complete any task/go anywhere/enjoy yourself whatsoever....and then she's a beautiful little angel. But you continue to stay on edge, just in case they have a melt down. And then you start to feel like you've got this parenting thing down. Because of course, her behavior has to do with your abilities as a parent. And then, BAM! You get high expectations to visit your old workplace, or get pictures, or go grocery shopping, like she's done 3462834488 times before just fine...annnnnnd she melts down. Crying, tears, snot, and screaming. So keep the expectations low. FOREVER. 

Momma guilt is real. 

This was probably the biggest shocker for me becoming a parent. I had no idea how many small daily decisions you make, wondering if you're doing any of them right. "But this book says you should start sleep training at...this mom's blog has homemade baby food recipes! How does she have time for that!...I saw on facebook that babies need at least 2 hours of tummy time a day...." From sleeping to eating to bathing to playing, I was always second-guessing myself, and doubting that what I was doing at that moment and whether or not it was the best thing for her. And fearing that I was doing it all wrong, which would in the end of course create a needy/grumpy/unpleasant/difficult/etc child in the future. And then there's the guilt of needing a break, especially if it conflicts with what she wants/needs. "If I were a better mom, I wouldn't need breaks so much. I'd be fulfilled in just being with her." This is really the things that I thought those first months. I AM here to say that the guilt does get better. It's not weighing me down constantly anymore. But momma guilt is real, and we all have it now. Let's just wear as another one of our "momma-badges".

Time flies when you're having fun. 

I mean it. This year (and a couple months) has FLOWN by. She was just my tiny sweet newborn girl, and now she is almost walking. My whole life I have wished to be here, and now the days slip away. And many days go by, and at the end I stop and think to myself, "Where did that day go, and how did I not accomplish anything on my to do list? Or even shower? What did I even do today?" The days, the weeks, and the months fly by, and though I am with her everyday, I still feel like I don't have enough time. I can hardly remember what it was like to look at her a few months ago, so I better not blink, because before I know it, she'll be starting school, learning to drive, or even getting married.

Sleep is overrated! (Or that's what I keep telling myself)

This used to be the #1 most important thing to me. Our weekends were full of sleeping in, and maybe even naps! In the summertime, I was lucky to be up and eating breakfast before 10:00 am. But now, even as I am writing this, with Chris and Ellie are already in bed, and Lucy looking at me, hoping I'll go to bed soon, my eyes are heavy and tired. I get to be alone on the couch though, watching and doing whatever I want. No one needs me, nothing must be cleaned, no "plan" needs to be made on what to do next. And every morning when I wake up, I think, "Oh I'll go to bed early tonight! I'm soooo tired." But here I am again. I must add to that sleep is not the same anymore either. I rarely get a good night's sleep of 7 to 8 hours. My mind is busy; there is too much to think about, or worry about, or plan. I have crazy weird dreams, where Ellie is falling, and wake up realizing I've grabbed Chris's poor sleepy face instead of Ellie before she falls. Will I ever get restful sleep again? Maybe in 10 years when I'm 40 and done having babies. But for now, there are so many more important things. 

You'll never be the same again.

Before children, your whole world can be, and really is, all about you. What you want to eat, when you want to sleep, where you want to go next, and what you want to do that day. But when a baby arrives, their needs and wants automatically override everything else. A tiny little human dictates every detail of your every day. It is both a beautiful thing and an exhausting thing. Your thoughts and worries never leave this little one, and when you're finally getting that break you need, you suddenly find yourself wanting to be with them right then and give them a hug. Even when she's finally asleep, I sometimes find myself missing her little smiles and squawks. I love her more than I could ever put into words, and more than she'll ever know, or at least until she has a little one herself. She's changed me, for the better,  and I certainly never be the same again. Ellie made me a momma, and I'll be forever thankful to her for that. Love you sweet girl!

The only thing I'm certain about is that I have much more to learn as Eloise's momma, and these are just a few of what I've learned this first year of parenthood. So I'm sharing these lessons with you, to let you know you're not alone in this crazy journey. Being a momma is the hardest thing I've ever done, but so worth every minute of it.

I have to share just a *few* more of my favorites from this first year of motherhood...