First-Time Momma

My very first Mother's Day! I've waited all my life to finally be one and now I am. It's incredible, it's overwhelming, it's beautiful... All at the same time. This first Mother's Day will always be a very special one, and Chris and Ellie made sure to make it that way for me too. We slept in, that is after our last feeding, so when I finally did wakeup, I had several texts from sweet friends and family wishing me a happy first Mother's Day! What a great way to start the day! Then Chris made a delicious breakfast while I just held our girl. He gave me two cards, one from him and one from the "kids", where he put not only Eloise's handprint, but Lucy and Dexter's pawprints too! So funny!

First Mother's Day cards - one from my Mom and one from a friend!

Then we just hung out for a bit before we got ready, so that we could go see our moms. We hadn't planned anything with either of them, and I so appreciate them letting me have this first one to be free to spend however I wished, but it just didn't seem right to not see our mommas on Mother's Day.

We then came home and packed up for a picnic under our favorite tree on OU's campus, where we have gone many many times. We brought Miss Lucy too, since she always loves the squirrels! We were excited to find campus almost empty, and our spot open, so we spread out our quilt, unpacked our food, and just enjoyed being with each other. The weather was perfect and the sunlight was beautiful! 

The day ended with shakes from Sonic and baby snuggles on the couch. It was a simple day, but just what I wanted for Mother's Day!

These past five weeks as Eloise's mom have made me think even more about who I am as a person and who I want to be as a mom. It's actually what I think about most of the time, and if I am measuring up to who I want to be. This is probably the hardest thing about motherhood: it is a job that no one notices all that you do and you don't do any one thing excellently. Now don't hear me wrong...Chris tells me everyday how much he appreciates all that I do and helps a lot on the evenings and weekends, but I told him that the hardest part about not teaching anymore would be that i wouldn't get to hear all the encouragement and thanks from others on a day-in and day-out basis. And that's one of the few things I have been right about. Being a mom really tests your self-confidence and self-worth, since its really only you measuring up to your own expectations of what a mom truly is and should be. There is no other comrades in the trenches with you. It's just you. And my expectations of myself, or to do lists, are always much longer than any normal human could accomplish. But I think, "Well if I'm just sitting at home all day, I better get a lot done, since lots of moms do this AND work. If I'm not awesome at this with not working, then I must REALLY not have it together!" Finding balance has been my biggest challenge, and it's an internal one, which means the solution is not easily attained. It has been a battle between what needs to get done and what I have the time/energy to do so. I know that the woman I think I should be really is unattainable but for some reason, I still compare myself to her. And why do I this to myself? And why can't I either be better or get over it? I am not sure why, but one thing I can think to do is look to the women in my life that may not be perfect, but are doing this motherhood thing pretty well. 

First of all, I have been immensely blessed to have two amazing examples of what motherhood is really all about. I've talked of my Grandma Re many times before, but the woman I want to be always goes back to who she was: compassionate, selfless, generous, thoughtful, and fun. She was the quintessential 1950s housewife, and sincere about it in every way. She loved being a homemaker and loved her children. She sacrificed for them day after day so that they would have a good and memorable childhood, no matter whether or not there was enough money do it with. And my own Momma has these same characteristics and reminds me so Grandma Re! In these first weeks of mommahood, if there was anything I need, and sometimes didn't even realize I needed, my sweet Mom was there to give it, whether it be hugs, a listening ear, a delicious treat, or a new outfit for Ellie. Being a mom now makes me realize the kind of hardships she must have had to endure through those early years, but she did so loving me and always making me feel special and "worth it". I now better understand how she loves me too because of how I love Eloise. She is such a wonderful woman and mom to all 5 of us kids. 

I also see these traits in many other beautiful mommas in my life. There is...
...Compassion in the way Roxanne Noles, Brenda Webb, and Heather Caram teach and reach the "unreachables".
...Selflessness in the way both of my sisters, Jennie and Janae, have been moms heroically much longer than myself and have happy children, the way Heather Howard, in the midst of crazy yearbook time, takes the time to check on me and give me gifts, and the way Cheryl Hunt, my "Nebraska Mom", took care of me out of the goodness of her heart, in addition to her four children, when I visited my Dad and he had to work.
...Generosity in the way my mother-in-law, Tess, gives to friends and family in need, the way Joellen Buller gives of her time and energy to me on a regular basis, and the way Sara Purdy is always there to answer my texts full of questions and provide me with much needed advice.
...Thoughtfulness in the way my Aunt Jayne always has a snack or meal for us when we stop by, the way Kendel Hogan or Danielle Basset texts or calls just to check in on me, and the way my Aunt Carol has sent me such fun and sweet gifts over the years.
...Fun in the way Shayna Kutt lets go and spends time with her daughter, the way Shannon Pawley still remembers to be herself and spend time with friends, and the way Heather Caram always manages to make me laugh at the silly things that happen.
...And these admirable qualities are held by even more great women in my life, who will be or are wonderful moms themselves: Elizabeth Hoggatt, Katie Lentz, Celina Quiros, Jamie Rentzel, Jane Purcell, Calypso Gilstrap, Francesca Hunt, Martha Pangburn, Connye Griffin, Loan Vu, Lindsey Grotheer, Emily Deardorf... this list of amazing women could go on and on.

I guess my new goals should focus on being more like these women who have made such a big impact on my life, and not focus on not measuring up to the perfectly organized and fit woman, with a clean house and who never forgets someone's birthday, anniversary, or anything else, but who doesn't really exist. I want to remember to ask for help, to take time for me, and to relish in the moments when I'm holding my sweet girl.

Lastly, I'm so privileged to be Ellie's  momma, and I hope I can make her proud. I want to model for her the self confidence I sometimes lack and be there for her whenever she needs me. I want her to remember when she's big and grown how much fun we had together, not how "together" I seemed to be. I can now see that these are things I want most, even though I might fail at them too. The bottomline today is that I have had such wonderful women influence my life in ways that have made me the woman and momma I am. And who knew the one who would make the most impact would be a little lady named Eloise Marie, who made me a momma the very first time. Happy Mother's Day to the first time mommas like me, the mommas of many years and wisdom, and the ladies that will make great mommas!