Enjoying June

We are well over halfway through this month already (how did THAT happen!?!), and though I haven't "officially announced" a new habit for the month, I have been focusing in on enjoying each day and finding time to be outside. We started this month at Walt Disney World (#HeavenonEarth) and it was easy to enjoy AND spend time outside, but getting back home, and into the swing of regular life, has been a little more difficult in ways. We're happy it's summertime, which means time with friends and nothing on our schedule. But I think the thing that has been most difficult for me this month is the evidence of how quickly time goes by, and it pinpoints why I was so sad after we returned from our trip. It was pretty darn magical with Ellie being 5 and Walt being 2 because we got to see them truly believe in the things they were experiencing. We're not sure when we'll get to go again, but we do know they'll be a couple years older, and I just want them to stay in this magical stage forever. But I know they certainly won't.

As I've been enjoying our days together, this month has also brought a lot of perspective for me. I've found that there's not just good seasons or bad seasons of life, but just life. Some of 2016 and most of 2017 I kept waiting for the "hard stuff" to pass, so I could get back to enjoying life, but now I know that that's just how life is. All intermingled and interwoven, but you have to focus on the best and enjoy it with your whole heart.

And that's the legacy of the life Beth lived. We lost this dear friend and former owner of our house this month, almost one year from when we bought this house. The story of her life and this home that welcomed so many continues to amaze me: she was the best at enjoying all the moments, being grateful, and helping others...her life was an example of one well-lived. We attended her viewing and funeral, and were able to meet and talk with each of her children and other family members, as well as many long-time friends. Everyone we met spoke so highly of her and how lucky they were to know her. We learned at her service that she loved fishing, believed in UFOs, and was always up for an adventure. Beth went above and beyond to care for the children she helped care for at the now JD McCarty Center, giving each child a hug each day. She positively impacted so many people...her children, her neighbors, her children's friends, her coworkers, the people she went to church with, the children she worked with, the mail lady, and so many more. Her light and love set off a domino effect here in our little Norman corner of the world, and her warmth can be felt here still. I have been struggling a little, asking the "what ifs" about my own life and if I am "living it right". But I have seen time and time again, God sending me little signs that answer my questions and worries, before I can even put them into words myself. It feels somewhat silly to say this, but I still truly believe His hand was in us getting this house. Though this isn't the end of our story here, to look back on what this year has brought us, in all the good ways, and bad ways, and blessings, and challenges ahead, it's all connected, and it's just incredible to see how God's plan is so interwoven and He's there with us every step along the way. The chapter that Beth wrote for this house was something I could have only dreamt of, and now I get to continue with this story. God sees the deepest desires of our hearts and wants to give us those things, even when we think it might never ever come true. I hope I can live my life with such grace, kindness, and love that Beth did. Her casket was taken out to "Spirit in Sky" by Norman Greenbaum, and as her last moment with us, she left us all with a smile on our face and a peace that she's in "the place that's the best". What a beautiful lady that I am so grateful we got to know.

Life is so fleeting and I want to make the most of mine, which is why this "Enjoying June" has been so important to me. It's easy to sit and wallow in self-pity about how hard life can be, just in general really. But I have seen a great contrast in ways to live life, and how it can end up based on the choices you make, and it's clearer than ever how I hope to live mine. Feeling very thankful this month and looking forward to enjoying this sweet summertime together before life changes again.

May Mornings

It's May! Hooray! Did you know that I love alliteration and rhyming?!? But really...happy to see a new month and hopeful for a good one. April was a hard one for many of us, and we all need some hope on the horizon (aka summertime).

But I think I survived April BECAUSE of the hard work I put in January-March, and the things I learned about myself and the skills and understanding I gained helped me going each day. Progress still continues on finishing "Food Freedom Forever" and gaining my own "food freedom", and feel that is not quite finished, and really might never be. But I can fit into ALL my clothes I have now pre-baby, and I feel so much better. I can identify days when I have gone overboard, and then that being the reason I don't feel so great mentally and physically. It taught me I can do hard things, and that self-efficacy holds true still.

February helped so much as I focused on a new concept for me...guilt-free alone time each day as self-care. And though I don't always get some in the same way each day, I do something for myself, whether it be reading, watching a show with Chris after the kids are in bed, exercise, writing, crafting, napping, or just something other than sitting on my phone and scrolling through my social media numbly. It's given me more time to do the things I love, and sometimes that means letting the to-do list go.

March I spent time each day intentionally doing something with the kids. I feel like I enjoyed being their momma more than I have for a long time because I let go of my own too-lofty expectations of my day and compared myself less and just let myself sit with them or play with them. It has spilled over into my marriage too, and Chris's relationship with the kids. We spend more time outside, more time together on little local "adventures", and more time focusing on our family instead of zoning out on our phones. I'd like to get back to do more of intentional time again, but their sweet little faces are what helped me survive and reminded me of the simple joys of life when it was easy to feel tired/overwhelmed/frustrated/discouraged/sad.

All of these things "filled my tank" for a kinda crazy month of April, and while I feel I could have done better in many ways, I did learn a lot about our state, it's government, and ways to help a cause that's near and dear to my heart. When we know better, we do better, and I know I'll continue to be an advocate for education in whatever capacity and way that I can. April handed us some tough stuff with our families emotionally too, and while all those things aren't over OR sorted out OR we know what the last page of this chapter will look like, we are continuing to make it through each day and find the things we love about life despite the hard ones.

SOOOO...that brings me to where we are today! And what new habit I'd like to create for May. I've been wanting to do this one really since January but haven't quite wrapped my brain around it until now. As I am sure many of you do, I have this LOOOONG undone to-do list that floats around in my brain and kind of weighs on my shoulders. I have lots of good ideas (haha) but the follow through is not always there. With my Grandma Ginnie passing away this month, it left me with some regret in not saying and doing some things I had planned to do. Our relationship and story is long and complex, but I have not had contact with her in about a year, some due to convenience, some due to choice, and some due to self-preservation and boundaries. But Ellie and I had started a little book for her, and never finished it, and I never got to tell her about our life in 2017, and all it's ups and downs. I hadn't been back to Kearney, so I didn't get a chance to see her, but I knew that this is something I don't love about myself/my life, and that well-intentioned to-do is a burden when I never actually do those things. If you know me, you know I like to stay up late and sleep in, which really doesn't work out great if you're a parent, but I've had a pretty good setup for quite some time. BUT I feel like I could better expound on those morning minutes if I could make my mornings different.

As with other months/habits, I've been "testing the waters" to see how it makes me feel. Right now, I go lay back in bed after Ellie and Chris leave for school/work, and mindlessly look at Facebook/Instagram. Before I know it 30 minutes (or more...yikes!) have passed by and really I don't like how that feels to start the day behind.  My hope is that I can change my morning routine (for at least this month) to: get up/wake up around 7:00, help get Ellie ready for school, spend a few moments organizing my brain for the day, focus on one "chore" to accomplish before getting Walt up, make my bed, exercise before I pickup Ellie, and just start the day in a more peaceful way. Changing this morning routine will then help me get some of those long overdue items completed (I've got a list of 50 things right now already!!!) whether it be finishing a project, sending a note or thank you to someone I love, completing a book, or trying something I've always wanted to.

So here I am, another month of 2018 down and a new one started. It somewhat scares me to say this, as if I am going to somehow jinx myself, but I can't wait to see where I am at the end of 2018 with 12 months of learning, trying hard things, and helping myself be more of who I want to be...a person of much more love and light.

Advocate in April

For the past four weeks, I have wanted to write something here that would accurately express what it feels like to be a teacher in Oklahoma, how much gratitude and pride I have for those who continue to teach here, and what we can each do to help support public education in our communities. It is easy to get overwhelmed with all the details, perspectives, and arguments, and honestly often leaves me feeling hopeless...but I just simply can't surrender to that, because it effects every single person in our community. I am not sure I have the words for all this, but I have to try, and why this is so important for me (and all of us) to do this month (and beyond).

What does it feel like to be a teacher in Oklahoma? Well, as many headed back to their classrooms this week and many also continued the fight at the Capitol, I can imagine a teacher in Oklahoma feels discouraged by our legislators, but encouraged by community support, hopeless that nothing will ever change in our red-seemingly-anti-public-ed state, but hopeful in the next generation of voters and educators, ecstatic to see their students and get back to doing what they LOVE doing, but defeated that they couldn't return with a clear victory, and lastly, I can imagine they all feel VERY VERY tired. Tired of being questioned by anyone and everyone about their career choices, their teaching methods, their knowledge from years of higher education, professional development, and experience, their desire to earn a living wage, and most of all, the love they have for "their kids" that sit in their classroom each day. They don't want to be martyrs, they don't want to be heroes, but they just want to teach kids. It's a calling that they feel greatly, and they shouldn't have to apologize or justify that. It is exhausting work for sure, but when they help a student through a challenging math problem, complete an English paper, fill out a job/college application, or reach any other little goal in life, that is what makes it worthwhile. 

For a very long time, I knew I wanted to be a teacher, and I wanted to teach special education. It was a calling for me too...something I knew I had to do. Like I explained, it was the hardest work I have ever done, but oh so worth it, and one of the biggest things I took with me when I left the classroom is what an honor it was to work with such incredible people inside and outside the classroom. Many of the very best people in my life have been and are teachers. They are kind, giving, encouraging, hard-working, dedicated, loving, faithful, and brave. Teachers continue to walk into their classrooms each day ready to love on and help these little (and big teenage) people learn, despite their fears of not being a good enough teacher, not reaching every kid when they need, not seeing the issues their students face each day, not being able to protect their classroom from an intruder or another horrible tragedy, and not being valued by the families of their students, their district, their communities, their state, and their country. My appreciation for the work they do everyday has grown exponentially this year, as together her teachers and I have worked through some frightening and uncertain circumstances that neither of us could control. I am so grateful for teachers, not only because I have been there, but because of the difference they have made in my whole life...from elementary to high school, and from my professional life to being the mother of a preschooler. 

In some ways, it seems hard or overwhelming to know just how to support teachers, but there are so many ways. The most obvious and simple way is to send a note of gratitude to a teacher in your life. Words of encouragement helped me get through on the hardest of days. Though not necessary, receiving gifts as a teacher was just the best! Supplies for their classrooms are always needed, and I don't know one teacher that would turn down a Starbucks coffee or a gift card to their favorite place to eat. If you aren't sure exactly what teachers need for their classrooms, there is a Facebook group called "Oklahoma Education Needs/Donations". But MOST OF ALL...they need your support by staying civicly informed and engaged. The walkout may be over, but their and our work is not done. There are a few groups you can join to stay informed on Facebook too, that share up-to-date information. "Oklahoma Teacher Walkout - The Time is Now" was created by a teacher and is updated regularly on what is happening legislatively and specific people to contact and what to say. "Oklahoma Central PLAC" gives factual and non-biased information about funding for public education in Oklahoma. These two groups can help you know what to talk to your legislators about, and even if you don't feel 100% confident in meeting them face-to-face, calling and emailing is important too. These contacts are noted and tallied, and they will be part of our states history, and hopefully change some legislators minds or at least provide substantial proof that they did not listen to their constituents. These two groups can and will help connect us to candidates (over 400 registered!!!) that support public education and we NEED to support them. Donate to their campaigns, knock on doors for them, and tell your neighbors/family/friends. Lastly, make sure you are registered to vote and get ready to vote FIRST in the June 26th primaries. And of course, remember in November to VOTE!!! I don't really have any magical ways to help support public education, but we have to try. I saying this more to myself than anyone...instead of being overwhelmed or feeling uniformed, just do something. We've spent too much time not paying attention over the past 10 years, and we now can see what the legislature has done to our schools. The time is now to help our teachers and our students. 

Each month, I have checked through the days, somedays feeling accomplished and somedays not...but each day I knew what I had to do, and what I had to do to finish the "job". That's what makes this month feel so heavy. With each post shared, each message sent, each email written, and each phone call made, I hope that I am doing enough to make others understand and hopefully listen. I hope you can join me in some small way to help our students and teachers. We can't afford to lose more valuable teachers to other states, but we will continue to do so and emergency certify those without highly qualifying them to teach our kids. We will all suffer the consequences if we can't start a change. 

Self-Care Success

This journey to create new habits is personal, and my hope in sharing this here is both a record to look back on for myself, but also to hopefully inspire you to make changes in your own life if you find yourself complacent or unhappy, even when you look around you see so many blessings. Like I've shared, 2017 left me angry and confused, when I wished it (and thought it should have) left me joyful and grateful. 

We wrapped up our Whole30, as well as our reintroduction, in February (which I still hope to post a final recap, favorite people to follow, and our favorite recipes of it all after I finish Food Freedom Forever), and while I had initially thought I would JUST focus on my phone "addiction" (but #srslytho), I found my method to be somewhat ineffective and decided to adjust a bit for February by not just TAKING AWAY, but ADDING and CREATING new healthier habits. 

That first week after I installed the app "Moment", I was like a rebellious teenager trying to beat the average person's daily time on my phone. Not really, but that's kind of what it felt like was happening. I was feeling discouraged by my own attitude and inability to change, but I wasn't giving up just yet. I think my phone addiction also goes hand-in-hand with my anxiety about something horrible happening to someone I love, and me not knowing about it for hours, because that happened the night of Thanksgiving with my brother being rushed to the emergency room and the horrible discovery of the brain tumor. As I worry throughout the day, I reach for my phone as a reassurance that everyone is okay, then I get sucked into social media, which then I get sucked into not feeling as good about myself as I compare the pretty pictures there with my own life or abilities, or see a sad story that breaks my heart, and the spiral just continues downward from there. So my phone use is a complicated thing, but also an unhealthy thing.

I had also begun to feel some positive benefits to taking time to care for myself here and there in January, by just doing something I loved rather than something I had to do. So, I adjusted a bit and decided to focus on DECREASING my phone usage by FILLING a part of my day with something I enjoy so much that I used my phone less.

February started with some upcoming challenges and I knew there would be some of them, so I tried to remind myself to give a little more grace. Ellie had gotten the flu and I was simply surviving because Chris was traveling so much, and then I got the flu too. It was feeling a little reminiscent of 2017, but the difference was that I now had more tools to deal with my emotions rather than just eat them or stare ay my phone to numb them. And I was having some small successes like using my phone 30 minutes less each day on average! But I knew there was still more work to do.

So then the final two weeks of the month, I signed up for one of "Moment's" boot camps, which gave me a simple task each day to make me think about my phone usage like "no phone in the bathroom" or "delete one unused app". I was able to decrease my daily phone usage by 30 more minutes, making my total average one hour less! ANNND I pickup my phone 100 less times a day! That "extra" hour I have now, I have been using for self care, and my goodness...it has made such a huge difference in my level of cray cray. 

Another HUGE part of feeling healthier mentally so far this year is that I begun counseling this month, and I am so grateful that I get to go every other week. It is incredible what a difference it has made for someone outside of my life to look in and help me find the reasons why I do the things I do, and how I can change the things I do that I do not like or that is not healthy. I leave feeling like a big boulder has been tossed off the mountain I've carried so much of my life, and given me a greater understanding of healthier ways to handle situations in life that are sometimes just so hard. My counselor speaks truth and reason to me, and I know I am becoming a better version of myself for me and for my family.

I feel a greater sense of calm, and therefore have a greater ability to have patience with my children, which is really the why of how this whole thing began anyways. I was taking out my sadness, anger, uncertainty, and anxiety on them, and I knew it was so wrong and so unfair. Like with my new habits I am creating, I also know there is more work to do here and everyday is still not "easy peasy", but I feel strongly that I can better manage my emotions because I take time to feel and understand and write down those emotions, instead of just numbing them. It has trickled into every other areas of my life too, and given my brain space to think and organize and remember important things, rather than just feel like I am simply surviving.

And lastly, for March I want to spend more intentional time with my children. I am with them all day everyday, and in the past several months, the actual care of them depletes me, leaving nothing left for playing or doing fun things together. And then my mind always wanders to all the things I SHOULD be doing or what I need to do next to stay one step ahead...Anyone else?!? Part of me wanted to feel guilty about not putting time with them as my first healthier habit in January, but I also know (especially now), that if I can pour into myself, I will have more to give to others. I've been testing the waters on this over the past week or so, and I have found that I really enjoy intentional time with them more than I have in a long time, and it is expounded upon when I see the joy it brings to them. More than once recently, Ellie has exclaimed, "This is the BEST DAY EVER!", and it's just because we were spending that extra time together. 

I've learned that these new habits are all intertwining and connected, and while I "complete" a month of changes, there is not only no exact start and end, there is also still work to be done daily with them. Trying something and it not working the exact way I think it will is not a failure, but just an opportunity to learn. These first two months of 2018 have been some hard work, but have already brought about some great change in my life, and have given me a better perspective about so many things. I'm grateful to be here, and I'm excited to see what's next. Thanks for reading friends!

Happily Whole30!

If you would've told me a year ago that I could go thirty days with no dairy, no gluten, but most of all no sugar...I probably would've laughed at you. I am not a person of moderation or discipline really, and when it comes to food, I have no reservations there for sure. I eat with my emotions, and every single one of them: happy or sad, loving or angry, celebrating or mourning. My love language is food, for myself, and for the ones I love.

So when I started this first Whole30, I even thought it was insane for ME, of all people, to try to do it, but knew I needed to make a change, because I just didn't feel good, both physically and mentally. As I wrote in my last blog, 2017 was a doozy, and while I made some efforts to make my corner of the universe a little more joyful, I also didn't go all in, but I also tried to numb those BIG EMOTIONS more. I tried to avoid them, as I have done much of my life, instead of just feeling them or dealing with them in a healthier way. I was desperate for something to shift in me for both my physical and mental health, and I knew I needed something to click sooner rather than later.

This is why I chose this first off for the change of habit I wanted to make in 2018, and I am so glad that I did. It wasn't a "perfect" Whole30 and I still have more work to do on my Food Freedom Forever (first off, get the book!), but this has been a great learning experience for me. I have learned so many things, found so many unexpected non-scale victories, and created so many little new and positive habits.

So FINALLY here are our results!
Chris -
Lost 15 lbs. More self-confidence to not snack or reward with sweets. Tightened belt two notches and fit into his suit from our wedding! Traveled and stayed Whole30 compliant (HUGE!). More energy and less depressed about weight/size.

Kiley -
Lost 12 lbs. and 6 inches. Back to pre-Walt weight. Sleeping better, and clearer skin. Better self-efficacy to not snack or overeat. Less brain-fog/afternoon slump. Clothes fit better...some size 14s are actually loose! More motivation and energy.

Whole30 is not a "diet".
This is definitely not a "diet"; this is a reset meant to for a lifestyle change (insert my own eyeball here). I really didn't like to hear that phrase before Whole30, because I didn't want to do the hard work and I didn't want to say goodbye to all my "good friends" in food, for even one day. But it DID change my relationship with food. You see, food is not my "friend", but it is nourishment for my body, and I cannot give it more emotional power than that. I don't know how many days/what percentage/what my plan is for going forward from here, but I know that I cannot blindly and numbly eat without both physical and emotional consequences any longer. This is a HUGE paradigm shift for me, and though I'm not 100% there, I now know I have the strength to do it.

I have to meal plan/plan ahead for the week.
As a natural born planner, you'd think I love this. But I actually haven't been very good at it. Especially for breakfast and lunch. So I'd end up eating something sugary with a cup of coffee, and have brain fog for the rest of the day. BUT NOW (and something I know I'll continue to do), is plan the week's meals out, and take the time to prepare more healthy meals for EVERY meal.

Reflecting on each day before bed.
The power of reflection and the ability to find daily support through "Whole30 Day-by-Day" has been the make or break for me. Thinking at the end of each day or what went well, what didn't, and a plan for the next day was so good, and I especially loved writing out the NSVs each day too. I am excited and hopeful that I will continue this practice, instead of mindlessly scrolling through facebook.

I've learned how to read labels.
It's actually a little terrifying to now know how to read labels and menu nutrition. Most of all, EVERYTHING has sugar, in some form or another, and many hidden behind strange names. I remember reading pretty early on that food production companies add these to increase the flavor, which then further dulls our taste buds, which then requires more flavor (often artificial). When you know better, you do better. So I hope I will!

I don't have to eat all of anything.
Butternut squash soup? If I don't like it, don't eat it. Leftover cinnamon sugar toast from the kid's plates (why would they leave that anyway?!?)? Feels weird and feels wasteful, but it doesn't have to go in my mouth. I do have to eat for nourishment, so through this I've learned that even if I don't love my meal, I'll finish the parts that I do enjoy, and move on. I couldn't (and strangely didn't) go searching for something more to satisfy myself, because you know what? It wasn't hunger, it was JUST a craving.

I don't need a snack.
Well sometimes I did as a nursing Momma chasing two kiddos around, and I had a healthy choice always available. BUT a lot of the time, I was just bored, or needed to numb some emotion with eating something. I have said no to more cravings this month than I have probably done in the last 10 years. But I don't "deserve" to feel bad (guilt, bloat, brain-fog, or whatever else) by eating food that is not good for me. I deserve to feel happy and healthy.

I've learned how delicious food can taste.
Less than a week ago, I was honestly losing my mind thinking this whole thing wasn't working. I was cranky and wanted some chocolate, and the meals for the day were not my favorite, PLUS there was all the clean up too. But the last couple of days, it finally felt like it started to fully click...I didn't have nut butter or coconut on my fruit, I had a simple olive oil and vinegar on a salad, I made roasted veggies in the oven at the right temperature, and cooked meat properly, with just salt and pepper...and here's the thing: IT WAS ALL SO DELICIOUS! No sauces, special spices, or sugar, and it was good. I found myself "craving" pure and simple foods and I thought "who am I?"

I must ask myself "Is it worth it?"
From what I've read, the biggest mantra after a Whole30 reset is "Is it worth it?", and I found myself asking this question multiple times daily during our Whole30. It was never worth it, I learned, to throw away all the hard work for a goldfish cracker, a taste of cookie dough, or a sip of soda. And I learned that before I did this at least 20x a day...imagine how much that added up? So now as I move into the days of food reintroduction, and after, I've learned I cannot be "numb" and just eat, but stop, think, and be intentional about what I eat. This might be an easy practice for some, but it has not been for me, and I know it will be a challenging new habit but that I must do it.

Most importantly, I've learned that I can do hard things.
Self-efficacy is the biggest lesson I have learned through these hard 30 days. I have been met with all the emotions that would typically make me reach for a candy bar or a baked good, but I didn't use that  to comfort me, because long-term it won't either. The biggest part of this has been the mental challenge, and I described it to a friend as "ripping the band-aid off a sore that still needs time to heal". Sounds fun, right? But really, that wound is there, whether I recognize it or not, so I'd better just face it. So much of my relationship with food has been emotional, and I am not "cured", but it has helped me take the first steps towards getting better. If I can do this hard thing, successfully even (!), what else can I do? There's so many things I've wanted to do and try and be, that I was too afraid to fail that I've had a hard time even starting. So here I go!

Lastly, there's more work to do.
I've said this already, but I must emphasize this. One Whole30 will not be the infinite change for me, but it was the beginning. I know both of these things, but I am willing and able to continue the work that needs to be done until I can find a balance that works for me and my life. I am not a better person or a person more worthy of anything more than I was on day one. I am not defined by what is on my plate, and I am not a "bad" or "good" person if I eat less-healthy food or more healthy food.

This is just the beginning of the blessings 2018 will hold. I am confident in that, and I am Whole30!

For the Love of Change

2017 was a year for the books. And I don't mean that in a good way. As I posted with this picture above, seeing these images made me feel a punch to the gut, so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. I am typically pretty positive, and looking for the good in each day/month/year...but this year the hard and painful was just so LOUD. There were so so so many joys and they are not erased at all, but 2017 was hard, for me, for my family, and I know for so many of you. To capture it quickly, to in essence "just rip the bandaid off", it felt like the "bad guys" kept winning, it felt like the "good guys" kept getting knocked down again every time they bravely stood up, and it felt like every time I looked forward to something joyful, that joy was stolen. I've never done a word for a year before, but last year it was supposed to be "joy", but it felt a lot more like "pain". And that pain has left me mad, and a person I do not enjoy being. So it's time to do something different in this year.

First off, can we just all claim all of January as the month to regroup, reorganize, re-find your brain, and reclaim normal life? It's always been a weird month for me, but I didn't want 2018 to be a year of "anger", so I started this year with a big fight against it becoming that, and am looking to handle things differently this year than I did last.

So as my second year to ever have a "word", I am claiming this year's word "love". More love for my family, my friends, my neighbors, and most of all, more love for myself. My whole life, this has been a "too selfish" notion for me, but this year I'm changing that belief for myself. Where 2017 created a tired, sad, overwhelmed, angry me, I want 2018 to create a loving and joyful me again. I want more of the things I love in my life, and less of the things I don't love. More writing, reading, walks, quality time with my children, wholesome and nourishing food, learning new skills, savoring each day, and living intentionally. Less busy-ness, comparing myself to others, mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed, allowing joy to be stolen by a person or circumstance, and less numbing my emotions with food. This means I'll probably have to say no more than I have in the past, which I am not usually comfortable doing, but I am going to have to do it, especially if doing that thing means a "no" to me or my family. Only "hell yes" for 2018.

I want to be healthier, both physically and mentally, so each month this year (and for everyday for that month), I am going to try to makes changes in my life by creating a new habit that allows more time for things I love, and/or stop an old habit that makes me love myself or an aspect of my life less. In January (and the first week here of February), we chose to complete (almost...Day 24!) our first Whole30. Food has been a source of comfort for me, and a way to celebrate, and I have relied too heavily on trying to fill my emotional needs through eating. It has been interesting, challenging, and pretty tough at times, but I am so glad we did it. I hope to share more with you in the next week or so about this first month of new habits, and what parts I hope to continue.

For February, I'm installing the app "Moment". It helps track phone usage, even specifics as to which apps you use most, and offers some "classes" to help break bad habits. This year, I've also used my phone as a way to distract myself from hard emotions. And then when I scroll through my newsfeeds, I end up feeling even worse, both physically and mentally. I'm looking forward to learning through this process as well, and sharing with you about my experience. ***EDIT: I did install the app, but as I phase into regular life from a challenging month with Whole30, I am going to focus on spending less time on my phone throughout the day, and specifically during #kileysselfcare. I often put caring for me and taking a break last, and that makes for one crazy Momma all too often. So my focus for February is self care which rarely (if ever) includes my phone. :) And I'm going to learn more about my phone use habits, and think of ways to change them little by little, and new habit by new habit.

I know there is beauty there and more that I have yet to see from that painful and hard 2017. I'm determined to make this year better and end with a better outlook, and now I'm already feeling more hopeful about 2018. Thank you for showing up to read what's been on my heart.

Ellie-Girl Goes to School

I've managed to procrastinate writing this until 11:30 pm the night before my first baby's very first day of school. I've had the luxury to feel unaffected by the first day of school for these last four years, but now that season of freedom is coming to an end. And though I've been avoiding my feelings on the subject for the past week, it is all I can do to keep the tears from rolling down my face tonight. It's the end of a beautifully sweet, simple, and sometimes tough era, that am swapping for a new chapter that feels like the beginning of the end. What if she cries at school? What if her teachers don't take the time to find out why and help her come up with a solution? What if she falls down on the playground or has an accident? What if there is an emergency...will she know what to do and will she be safe? Will she make new friends easily or will kids be mean to her? I sound fun to be around right now, huh? Pray for Chris.

It feels like the beginning of the end of the season I yearned to be in for most of my life, and it's the beginning of my beautifully sensitive girl going into a world that I cannot protect her from. She is so much like me, both in good and bad ways, and my sensitive heart can remember those first feelings of disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, and anxiousness...all feelings she has yet to really feel without my guidance and reassurance. It will be the first time that other people's "voices" will have an effect on her, instead of just ours. I wish I could keep her from all the bad things and mean people, and keep her as an innocent, bright-eyed beauty who sees the good in others and couldn't imagine hurting someone else on purpose. She doesn't have any big worries or fears, but is just happy with simple things and feels safe in her little universe. But soon she'll know much more about the crazy world we live in, and and though I know she'll be brave and kind and smart...I still wish I could protect her from all those things and continue to just let her be little. I am afraid to blink because I know the years are REALLY going to fly by now.

I do know this is the beginning of a really exciting time though too, as she makes her own friends, learns from her teachers, and creates a life outside of our family. She's going to love school and learning, and she will become increasingly more of herself, outside of who I am. She'll have her relationships, experiences, and memories, and she will make us so proud with the choices she makes.



Here's a little message to you, Ellie-girl:

Happy first day of Pre-K gorgeous girl! You are going to have so much fun today and I can't wait to hear all about it. You are going to love school, but I sure will miss you. I worry that I haven't cherished this time with you enough, or maybe I could have been more patient, or maybe I should've taken you to the library more or had a more concrete schedule, but also know that I did my very best. I hope it was enough and I hope that you have many good memories from our early adventures together. I am so grateful to be your Momma, and so grateful to have more time with you this year, as I plan to savor it and soak it up as much as I can. You are the sweetest, kindest, silliest, most beautiful girl I know. You are going to soar in school...you'll be a kind friend, a fantastic listener, a hard-worker, and a hilarious little lady. I am going to miss our slow mornings together each day, but I'll treasure our lunches and afternoons even more. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me. I hope the world sees you for the amazing and incredible and wonderful person you are, and when it doesn't, I hope your own voice is loud enough to remember you are. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Thanks for the adventure, sweet Eloise Marie...

now go have a new one.