Ellie's Momma: Lessons Learned

My second Mother's Day has come and gone, and once again, I feel the need to write about what being Ellie's momma is all about. A year ago, motherhood wasn't looking so good on me, or so I thought, but this year I feel like we are happy and thriving. And I think that has to do more with my expectation level than anything. Well, here you go. Momma-hood is shaping up to be quite a beautiful thing.

When I first had the idea to write a monthly blog for Ellie, I had not yet experienced motherhood in all it's glory, and therefore had a disillusioned idea of who I would be as Eloise's momma and what exactly I would be doing all day long. I mean, "What DO stay at home mom's do all day? The same thing as all the rest of "us", except they don't have to work! That sounds so easy!" ...I thought to myself, then... "What else will I have to do when I'm home? My house will be orderly and organized and clean. I'll be up before baby wakes, cook myself a healthy and delicious breakfast, exercise, finish my chores, and then shower! And Ellie will take regular, long naps, where I'll have the afternoon to swing in my hammock and read a book and write blogs and do pinterest crafts, and it.will.be.SO.EASY!" Boy, did I have it coming!

I've survived my first year of motherhood, where my world was turned upside down with love, feelings of inadequacy, joy, stress, disappointment, fear, and many other emotions. It has been the most humbling experience of my life, but truly the most rewarding. Through my sarcasm above, I hope you know that I am still so very grateful to be able to be with Ellie everyday, but that my romantic notions of motherhood have had to crumble away to get to the real goodness of being a momma. I don't get ready everyday, or sometimes even shower, there is still plenty of dog hair on the floor, dinner is not homecooked very often, there are still weeds in my garden, clutter in the closets, and photo albums not put together. My days that were once filled with high school students, IEPs, duty, emails, and parent phone calls, are now filled with vacuuming, diapers, dishes, drool, and never going to the bathroom alone. But they are also filled with toothless grins, walks to the park, tiny toys, baby chuckles, sweet hugs, board books, and new discoveries for these little minds at every turn.  My days are mostly good, and I love staying home, just in different ways than I thought I would. Even though I thought I was pretty well-informed, I learned that I was not and instead had to learn things through experiencing them. I'm one of those, where I have to learn it the hard way. I should learn by now to listen, but I still haven't. Instead, I'd like to share what I've learned over this past year or so, about being a momma, and maybe some of you can relate too or possibly be wiser than I was and learn from another's humbling experiences... 

Keep expectations low. Very low. 

Here's what happens: You have no expectations of being able to complete any task/go anywhere/enjoy yourself whatsoever....and then she's a beautiful little angel. But you continue to stay on edge, just in case they have a melt down. And then you start to feel like you've got this parenting thing down. Because of course, her behavior has to do with your abilities as a parent. And then, BAM! You get high expectations to visit your old workplace, or get pictures, or go grocery shopping, like she's done 3462834488 times before just fine...annnnnnd she melts down. Crying, tears, snot, and screaming. So keep the expectations low. FOREVER. 

Momma guilt is real. 

This was probably the biggest shocker for me becoming a parent. I had no idea how many small daily decisions you make, wondering if you're doing any of them right. "But this book says you should start sleep training at...this mom's blog has homemade baby food recipes! How does she have time for that!...I saw on facebook that babies need at least 2 hours of tummy time a day...." From sleeping to eating to bathing to playing, I was always second-guessing myself, and doubting that what I was doing at that moment and whether or not it was the best thing for her. And fearing that I was doing it all wrong, which would in the end of course create a needy/grumpy/unpleasant/difficult/etc child in the future. And then there's the guilt of needing a break, especially if it conflicts with what she wants/needs. "If I were a better mom, I wouldn't need breaks so much. I'd be fulfilled in just being with her." This is really the things that I thought those first months. I AM here to say that the guilt does get better. It's not weighing me down constantly anymore. But momma guilt is real, and we all have it now. Let's just wear as another one of our "momma-badges".

Time flies when you're having fun. 

I mean it. This year (and a couple months) has FLOWN by. She was just my tiny sweet newborn girl, and now she is almost walking. My whole life I have wished to be here, and now the days slip away. And many days go by, and at the end I stop and think to myself, "Where did that day go, and how did I not accomplish anything on my to do list? Or even shower? What did I even do today?" The days, the weeks, and the months fly by, and though I am with her everyday, I still feel like I don't have enough time. I can hardly remember what it was like to look at her a few months ago, so I better not blink, because before I know it, she'll be starting school, learning to drive, or even getting married.

Sleep is overrated! (Or that's what I keep telling myself)

This used to be the #1 most important thing to me. Our weekends were full of sleeping in, and maybe even naps! In the summertime, I was lucky to be up and eating breakfast before 10:00 am. But now, even as I am writing this, with Chris and Ellie are already in bed, and Lucy looking at me, hoping I'll go to bed soon, my eyes are heavy and tired. I get to be alone on the couch though, watching and doing whatever I want. No one needs me, nothing must be cleaned, no "plan" needs to be made on what to do next. And every morning when I wake up, I think, "Oh I'll go to bed early tonight! I'm soooo tired." But here I am again. I must add to that sleep is not the same anymore either. I rarely get a good night's sleep of 7 to 8 hours. My mind is busy; there is too much to think about, or worry about, or plan. I have crazy weird dreams, where Ellie is falling, and wake up realizing I've grabbed Chris's poor sleepy face instead of Ellie before she falls. Will I ever get restful sleep again? Maybe in 10 years when I'm 40 and done having babies. But for now, there are so many more important things. 

You'll never be the same again.

Before children, your whole world can be, and really is, all about you. What you want to eat, when you want to sleep, where you want to go next, and what you want to do that day. But when a baby arrives, their needs and wants automatically override everything else. A tiny little human dictates every detail of your every day. It is both a beautiful thing and an exhausting thing. Your thoughts and worries never leave this little one, and when you're finally getting that break you need, you suddenly find yourself wanting to be with them right then and give them a hug. Even when she's finally asleep, I sometimes find myself missing her little smiles and squawks. I love her more than I could ever put into words, and more than she'll ever know, or at least until she has a little one herself. She's changed me, for the better,  and I certainly never be the same again. Ellie made me a momma, and I'll be forever thankful to her for that. Love you sweet girl!

The only thing I'm certain about is that I have much more to learn as Eloise's momma, and these are just a few of what I've learned this first year of parenthood. So I'm sharing these lessons with you, to let you know you're not alone in this crazy journey. Being a momma is the hardest thing I've ever done, but so worth every minute of it.

I have to share just a *few* more of my favorites from this first year of motherhood...

Twelve Tremendous Months with Eloise Marie

WOW! What a year. Our first year as parents of our sweet Eloise. We've learned a lot, made a lot of beautiful memories, faced a lot of challenges, made a lot of mistakes, and watched Ellie experience so many firsts. We are so grateful for a healthy, happy baby that has shown us what true love is, as well as many other truths about ourselves. There are many people who have shown us so much love and support this year too, and we couldn't have done it without them (and YOU!). And I may be 6 weeks late with this one, the latest thus far, but it's DONE. And I am oh so HAPPY! I will not being doing this with future little ones, so if you're reading this Eloise, know you are a special one. Someday I'll be glad I did it, but for now, I'm glad it's the last. HAHA!

12 Months Old! 

Weight: 20 lbs. 15 oz. 

Length: 31.5 inches

1. Eating? What a funny girl we have that love to nurse about four times a day still, but also loves sitting in her highchair to eat breakfast and watch Seasame Street, for a late lunch while the big kids snack, or for dinner as a family at the table. She will try just about anything, but we quickly discover whether or not she likes it! Her favorites remain the same though: bananas and Fig Newtons.

2. Sleeping? She is a great night-time sleeper, and we are so thankful for that. Without good rest, I would be so crazy! Her napping is pretty regular too, with a good afternoon nap most days and often a short evening one too. Hope she continues with this, especially this summer! 

3. Milestones?
Eloise can crawl REALLY good now, and REALLY fast. I love the sound of her little knees and hands on the wood floors, moving quickly to discover a new part of our home. With all the crawling she is doing, there is also plenty of pulling up and cruising along anything that will stay still long enough to let her do so. And she loves trying to climb everything. Goodness!

She evens loves crawling on Dadda's suitcase!

So proud of herself!

Miss Ellie has discovered the fun of the real piano in our living room, and looks so proud of herself when she "plays" it. 

She is a hugging machine! She loves hugging her toys, stuffed animals, her swaddle, Cash's burp cloth, Cash, Lucy, the couch, and the list goes on. Every once in a while we can steal one from her, but mostly it's inanimate objects and Cash.

She loves her Cash!

She has started communicating in her own way too, with pointing and "hooting" when she wants something to hold or look at. That little pointer finger sure has emphasis and can reach farther than you would think! What a funny, funny girlie. 

4. Activities and adventures?
We had a chilly start to Eloise's 12th month, which made us really look forward to Spring! It began with an exciting "Mom's Night Out" with our good friend Liz, to wish her well before the arrival of Baby Jackson. Well, he couldn't wait because her water broke at The Mont! WOW! He was born later that evening, and we got to meet him on Saturday in the same room we were in at Norman Healthplex!

Then we headed north to attend sweet Mackenzie Basset's Frozen-themed 3rd birthday party. The weather was definitely fitting and chilly! What a fun party for a fun little girly!

We had a lovely little vacation week in March too...Spring Break! The down side was that Dadda had to travel, but that gave us the excuse to not cook dinner, and just get out of the "daily grind" a little bit. We celebrated Uncle B's 20th Birthday with family before Dad left though!

We sent Dadda off on Ellie's first St Paddy's Day (we made sure to wear green) by meeting him for lunch near his work. 

 Later that night, Auntie Ashley came to help craft for Ellie's party and to stay the night so that this Momma could sleep a little more soundly. We had breakfast together at Syrup, Auntie's first time!

Then we headed out to the zoo with the Harris and Buller family, as well as our Mimi! It was a beautiful day, and we stayed until it closed, leaving us all zonked! But so glad we got to spend the day together, not having to rush off anywhere quickly.

Cousin Love!

Then we ate at Syrup again, this time with Mimi! And saw our favorite buddy, Cash, and his Momma, Mimi, and great-grandma too.

We did a lot of first birthday prep, yardwork, and house-painting over Spring Break, especially the second weekend, so though we were pooped, we had to do something fun with our family and went an saw the new Muppets movie.

The rest of the month up until the day before Miss Baby's birthday was party prep central! Goodness! I did it to myself, but it was a little crazy...I'll have to save the details for another, even more belated blog for Eloise's first birthday and birthday party, hopefully later on this week! 

5. Favorite baby item? This girl loves loves loves her stuffed animals. She loves giving them hugs anywhere from the two little bears that were Chris and mine when we were babies while we change her diaper, her Boo or Thumper on car rides, or her Dug pillow, Snoopy, or Minnie Mouse while just playing around the house. She thinks the ones that say things or play music are the best, but hugs and "awww"s are always ready for any of them! 

6. Favorite moment this past month? Ellie's birthday weekend was pretty special for us. Our first child's first birthday! We spent her birthday as just our family of three eating donuts, going to the zoo, and having a picnic at the Myriad Gardens. And though the day of her party was cold and dreary, it was still a great day surrounded by people that made Ellie's first year so very special.

7. Looking forward to this next month? Being done with this blog! HAH! Even weeks out from her birthday now, we are recovering from all the fun. I am glad that we did it, but I am also happy for the calm and quietness of these weeks, getting back into a routine of things. OH! And I am looking forward to this summer, when it's just me and my girl. So thankful for the opportunity to watch the kiddos, but looking forward to more alone time!

9. One thing I've learned:

That we have such a beautiful life that there is so much to be grateful for. Some days I might get caught up with the frustrations of Ellie not napping, constant cleaning and picking up, and not having time to shower and get ready everyday, but I am getting to do what I've dreamed of doing for years: stay home with my child(ren). I'm not as awesome as I thought I would be at it, but I am learning that those expectations are unrealistic, while also getting better at it. I've learned to slow down and savor moments with Ellie each day, because while the days sometimes feel long, the months sure have gone by quickly. There are so many wonderful memories we've made with incredible people, and all we can honestly feel at the end of this long and short year is grateful. So thank you, again, for being part of it!

10. My message to Ellie:

Our big one year old....My goodness! Has it been that long already? It's been such a good year with you, with many challenges and triumphs, but together we survived. You are like a whole different little person than you were a year ago, and have learned so much, but we have also learned so much from you. You taught us a new, more incredible kind of love that we could not have experienced without you, and one that you will only know when you have your own sweet babies. But we can't think that far yet... Time is flying by, and there never seems to be enough time with you. You crack us up everyday with your big smiles, silly squeals, wild crawling, and funny dancing. We have had such a wonderful year with you, then celebrating your first birthday, and now can't wait to see what adventures there will be for us in this next year!

Here are a few more of our favorites from this past month:

Reading with Dadda

Dinner on the patio...Enjoying this beautiful weather!

12 month doctor appointment = Doing great!
98th in height & 67th in weight!

Thank you for following us on this exciting journey through our pregnancy, birth, and our month-by-month updates of our beautiful Eloise Marie. Though this is the (thankfully) the last monthly blog for Ellie (besides her birthday blog, which I'll have to do with all the celebrations!), I still hope to write from time to time about our adventures and things that we've learned. But otherwise, we'll be busy chasing our girl around and making memories.